my head hasn't been in it and the only reason i'm on now is because i can't sleep. don't know what woke me but i can't go back to sleep right now. i've had a lot on my mind lately and i've had a lot that i've decided there's nothing i can do about it right now. there are some things that i have realized are out of my control and i need to turn it over to the Creator and have him work it out. but there have also been some thing that i know if i had not been proactive in what i knew i could do and then let the Creator handle the rest, it wouldn't have turned out the same.
we still don't know what's going to happen with the bank and this house, i'm still believing that it will be saved. the bank will come back with a response that is workable for my family and we will progress from there. i'm believing that once that happens all of the rest will fall into place, like the upkeep of this building, it will all come together and since i've stopped the worrying because i know i can only do so much and i've put it in God's hands i feel better about it.
my employer is still keeping us in the dark about some things, so we are walking around still in rumor and speculation. we are still hearing things via the media versus the executives that we should hear it from. i know there's only so much i can do about that but what i can do is make everyday work for me by continuing to do my job to the best of my ability. i did get some good news yesterday and it will be a change for me which will make things a lot better, just have to get the ball rolling.
my oldest, i believe, is afraid of getting out there on his own. he asked me the other day if anything had changed on my end regarding his end of month deadline. i told him nothing has changed, i'm still looking forward to him being on his own. when i gave him the deadline 6months ago i knew he could do it and i knew i could let him. three months after that i stressed to him the importance of doing it and that now was the time, he doesn't have any children and no real debt so he needs to do it while he has time to enjoy it. he said he understood but i know he's afraid, he's so used to people making life easier for him even when i tried to help him understand that life isn't going to be that way on the outside. you have to work and work hard to establish yourself and people expect that from you. he'll be fine.
my middle son is really finding himself, he's moved into the next grade and i'm proud of him for that. he's so into technology and art that i'm sure he'll move into animation (3d and otherwise). he tries hard to make sure he does his part around the house and hates it when someone calls him lazy because he does so much around here to help. i had to let my family know that this was not ok, you don't call the child that does the most lazy. don't call any of them lazy just because they don't want to do everything you want them to do.
my youngest, my shadow, my lovebug, has to go to summer school. we are both disappointed about that but it's not like either of us didn't know, he just wasn't doing the work. if it isn't something that he's interested in he doesn't want to do it and unfortunately school doesn't work that way. i've done everything that i can emotionally and financially to help him but ultimately he has to do the work. he's seeing a counselor now on a weekly basis so that she can help him get better organized and thinking like goal oriented child/person and some of it is working and some of it isn't but he enjoys going. i asked him why the other day and he said because she tells him he's smart and can do it, she encourages him. i started to ask how is that different from what i say or do but i didn't because i already know the answer; it's coming from someone on the outsided looking in. he'll be just fine as well, all of my boys will be just fine.
i'm missing my sweetness, he's out of town on business for a week. it's funny how i miss someone that i don't normally see everyday anyway, even moreso funny because he's not really mine to begin with. but what we have established, this friendship, this vote of confidence and encouragement for each other is wonderful. i try to give him the time and space he needs to figure out the situation he's in but it's hard because when i'm with him i'm really with him. his energy and my energy mix so well together, we are two seperate people (of course, lol) with our distinctive personalities and views but we are one when it comes down to the core of things. we both want the same things ultimately for ourselves, our families and each other. we both want to see the other prosper and advance, we both want a better space for our families, he wants to leave a legacy of hope and faith and prosperity for his family and i want my children not to be in the same boat i'm in when they are my age and i don't want to be in the same boat my grandparents are in when i reach their age.
we are both very stingy when it comes to giving our whole hearts away but when we do we love hard and good. sure we can love our family and friends and even those from our past relationships but truly being IN love and allowing ourselves to be open for someone to potentially hurt us, we don't do that. but we have with each other and it's scary for both of us and it feels really good all at the same time. i truly believe that the Creator put us here for each other and that we are to be partners for life, but like i said, he's got somethings he needs to figure out and for that matter so do i, his are just a little bit more complicated than mine are.
well i've rambled enough and i'm still not sleepy guess i'll listen to some relaxing music or meditations and see if that helps.
peace and blessings!
