I've Been Infected by Gossip

Over the last year or so I have noticed something about myself, not only have I had this horrible blood infection that has tried to kill me a couple of times this year alone, but I have also been infected by gossip.  I had to clutch my pearls when I figured this thing out.  Being a Christian you would think that I first asked God for forgiveness, repented and then apologized to the unknowing victim of my wayward words.  NOPE!  What I did initially, was try to rationalize or justify my participation in the conversation; well I didn't say anything, I just listened or I did say something but it wasn't anything major, or this one right here that I know you may have used too..."all I did was speak the truth".

Gossip is gossip is gossip, no matter the wrapping we put it in, point blank period, no question mark!  There are many scriptures about gossip; Ephesians 4:2  James 1:26; 4:11, Proverbs 11:9; 11:13, and Titus 2:3-5 just to name a few.  I am familiar with them all but the one in Titus hits me the hardest because it is the foundation scripture for my organization My Daughters Mentor.  How dare I!  

I noticed that my inclination to gossip stemmed from the people that I was around, who always had something to say about someone and I just went along for the ride.  The conversation may have started out with them telling me something about themselves in relation to a particular individual and then before you know it, it was all about that individual.   It hit me even more when I realized that my view or opinion of the person of interest had changed to negative and I didn't really know that person.  Hadn't, I myself, been a victim of this very thing?  Yes!  But I had allowed myself to be negatively influenced by the opinions of another person who thought, more than likely, that all they were doing was sharing information.

Years ago, when I became pregnant with my first child at 19, I had so many people, family and church members included, gossiping about my situation.  Saying things like how they couldn't believe I had gotten pregnant, I had ruined my life, and I had gone away to college to get an education and came back pregnant.  Fast forward years later when my mother died and there were so many people who had something to say about how she died and even more recent with her mother, my grandmother, died and there were family members slandering my character as it pertained to my grandmother's finances and how could there possibly no money.  All of these horrible things were said by people who didn't really know the circumstances behind any of those events.

My wounds have barely healed behind those painful two-edged sword words and again I have to ask myself...how dare I do the very same thing to someone else. 

My heart and soul truly repents for doing such to another person, I have forgiven myself for being so insensitive and I have asked for forgiveness from a couple of those people for speaking ill of them.  Although I cannot easily remove myself from those around me who take the liberty to speak on someone else's life and choices, I also cannot control what they say, but I can guard my ears and my tongue with God's help so that I don't become infected again.

Are you a gossip?  Have you fallen victim to lies we tell ourselves when we speak about others?  I would ask you to take inventory of your words, be mindful of the intent behind them, make sure you have the facts before you speak and if all else fails...just walk away from those who are trying to infect you.

Peace and blessings beautiful people!

Remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai

Absent Fathers

Initially I wasn't sure I wanted to write on this topic because it hits very close to home, as close as in my home and I didn't want to offend those that are close to me.  However, I realized that just because I can relate to the topic doesn't mean I can't share my opinion overall of the topic, especially since I know that I am not the only that has had to deal with this first hand.

I did not grow up with my father in the home, neither did my children and unfortunately, neither are my grandchildren...thus far.  This happened for various reasons and the impact it had on my life, my children's lives and my grandchildren's lives is immense.  So when I look around at all of the lost children and even some children in adult bodies, I can clearly hear and see the crying out for Daddy and his attention.  My father, as I said, was not in my home while I was growing up simply because he and my mother were teenagers when I was born and still living with their parents at the time.  Additionally, he wasn't a huge fixture in my life as I got older.  He was around, I knew who he was and we spent time together occasionally but he was never a constant image at the forefront of my life.  As for child support, I don't think that was ever an option and if it was I certainly knew nothing of it.  I will say my mother taught me a huge lesson when it came to my father...she never said a derogatory word about him to me or around me.  She really allowed me to see for myself who he really is.  I tried to do the same for my children.

My children's fathers, yes that is plural, were not around for long.  My oldest child's father wasn't someone that I had ever planned to be connected to for any real length of time and after I found out I was pregnant I really didn't want him around.  With that said however, I only denied him once, the ability to spend time with his son.  The rest of the time it was on him and his lack of...whatever.  With my younger two children, I was with their dad for twelve years, 6 of them married and after the divorce he spent time for a while with them but then it dwindled off slowly but surely and their connection to him became weaker and weaker to the point where they didn't speak for quite some time.  They have only just recently been in contact with him on a more "regular" basis.

All of my children are missing a huge part of their identity, I believe, because they don't have a constant connection with their biological fathers.  Their fathers were not able to download into them the knowledge and information required to grow up and be a responsible, God fearing man.  They don't have the solid foundation that every child needs to move forward in life.  I have always said that I can teach my children how to be respectful, resourceful in the house and well mannered but I cannot teach them to be men.  They did have father figures around them, like my grandfather, but there is nothing like having daddy to turn to, confide in, or just hang with.

In paying attention to children, not just mine, I have noticed that there is a huge hole in their lives when they don't have daddy.  They feel as if they were never good enough or ask themselves what they did to make him leave.  They do all sorts of things to get attention, and it doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative, they just want it.  It's almost as if they are moving about this earth as only half a person, longing to find the thing that will make them feel whole but they are looking in all of the wrong places.  So I pray for them, all of them, that they may find peace in who they are as they are and come to terms with life whether daddy is there or not.

I went through the very same thing and began looking for it in books and my imagination, then men and sex and then finally God and that was the only thing that made me alright with me.  I still did some really stupid stuff and said some really bad things but when I finally got to a place where I was alright with me because I knew and understood finally who my Father really is, life became easier to live.

As for the unpaid child support, I pray that every non-custodial parent get an understanding that those funds are the same funds that you would spend on that child if you were in the household.  Those funds, or at least are supposed to, go towards the child's food, shelter, clothing and any extracurricular activities.  Please stop behaving as if you are doing the custodial parent a favor by paying child support.  If that parent, that is with that child on a daily basis is about doing the right thing, then you don't have to question where the funds are going.  If that custodial parent is living paycheck to paycheck you have no idea how much the child support check is assisting.  My children only had one extracurricular activity during the school year and then one in the summer, they could not pursue multiple interest because there were times when it literally came down to food or fun.  My children didn't take extra trips or go to a lot of parties because the funds weren't there.  Right now today I am owed large sums of back support from both fathers and I honestly don't expect to ever see it.  Most custodial parents are not using those funds to buy the latest in fashion or accessories, most of us are just trying to make sure our children are well provided for.

In all of this, know that our Abba Father is our true covering, protection, comforter, provider and healer and if we ever feel lost, or abandoned we can always turn to Him.

Psalm 103:13; *127: 3-5

Proverbs 3:11-12; 22:6

*Eph 6:1-4

Peace and Blessings beautiful people and remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai Ar

Getting Past vs Getting Through

We have all had someone to tell us, or we have even told someone, that they will get over it, get passed it or get through it.  But what does that really mean?  Before I dive into that let me present the definitions of the words "Passed/Past" and 'Through" as they are noted on Dictionary.com;

Passed - 1. to move or cause to move in a specific direction.  2. go past or across, leave behind or on one side in proceeding.

Through - moving in one side and out of the other side of an opening, channel or location.

Okay, now that that is clear, on with the topic. 

Initially I thought this was a super topic when it was presented to me in spirit but then I began to doubt it because those terms are similar enough for people to question the difference.  However, when the Spirit prompts I must obey.  When we are hearing these words or saying these words to someone, it's usually because there is an experience of tough times, or having encountered an obstacle in life that is difficult; such as a death, the loss of a job, marriage or friendship or even a health crises.  Again I ask what do those words mean?

Imagine if you will, a huge boulder or mountain, it represents your difficult situation.  Now you have a choice of getting passed it, or around it or through it; which do you choose?   Now before you move forward realize that there is a lesson in either path and you will learn.  When you tell someone that they will get passed a thing the imagery for me is that they will walk around it without really dealing with the issue at all.  They may consider it and think about it as they walk all around to get to the other side of it; "wow, i can't believe that ended the way it did.  i really thought we were friends and that she really cared about my well-being.  humph!  clearly not!  oh well, i'm just going to walk all around miss thing by avoiding her at all costs, i will not go to the same places i know she goes to, i will not answer her calls, or talk to others about her.  you know what?  i'm not ever going to speak her name again"!  Before you know it, you have walked around that boulder, you've gotten passed it and now it's in the past.  Or is it really?

Imagine that same boulder (the failed friendship) and what it looks like to go through it.  You take up a pick ax and begin to chisel away at the friendship and blow by blow you begin to reveal the layers and those layers reveal the role you played in that failed friendship as well.  you will see that you may have been a bit unrealistic about what the friendship was supposed to do for you and what she was supposed to do for you as a friend.  you thought that whatever idea you came up with was a good idea and because she didn't go along with it then she wasn't cool.  It could have been just the opposite and everything that she suggested you went along with and became her literal "yes woman" and gave her the false sense of superiority.  It could have been that because one of you was less educated than the other you began to belittle the other or not take them seriously or you spoke poorly about her to your other friends when she wasn't around or allowed her to speak poorly about others when they weren't around to speak for themselves.

One of the things that I did after ever failed relationship was to take some time to examine my role in it's ending.  I prayed a lot and asked myself the hard question(s).  What did I do or didn't I do to play a role in it not going well?  From there I worked on those flaws, chiseling through that boulder, still in prayer and seeking God's guidance and when my spirit felt balanced I moved forward.  Just as I was beginning to get tired or overwhelmed by all that I was revealing, I saw a little bit of light and that pushed me to keep going until I made it to the other side of that huge boulder.

Of course there are many scriptures that encourage through this process and the ones that speak loudest to me I will put an asterisk by but before I go let me ask you this...are you getting passed it or getting through it?

*Psalm 27:1

Isaiah 41:13

1 Peter 5:7

Romans 5:3-5; 8:17-18

Phil 4:13

James 1:12; 1:2-4

*Romans 8:28

Prov 3:5-6

*Phil 4:6-7

Peace and Blessings beautiful people!  Remember to walk in Your purpose! 

God Told Me to Tell You...

I have heard many a people say that they are instantly turned off when someone comes up to them and says these words, "God told me to tell you...", they sometimes respond with a smart comment about having their own relationship with God and if He wants them to know something He will tell them himself.  Sometimes that just patronize the person and say, okay, thank you, but they really have no interest in what the person has delivered to them.

Behind my hearing this, I became a little confused, not a lot, just a little because God is also, not the author of confusion.  But I was a little confused because they bible I read (in Proverbs) states that there is wisdom in wise counsel, long-standing wisdom at that.  My bible says that there is victory in wise counsel, there is sweetness in wise counsel.  So why exactly are we not listening to people when they say God is using them as a messenger?  God may have told you something in your private time with Him and that other person delivering the message could be delivering the confirmation you needed.  Or is it that you are fighting what God told you and you don't want to hear it from anyone else?

What if that person is delivering a blessing and a word of encouragement that was needed in that right now moment; are you not going to hear what they have to say because you are so stuck in your ideals of how God will speak to you?  Also in Proverbs it mentions that the way of the fool is to follow in his own eyes, or his own understanding.  Could that person be delivering to you a word of warning.  So I'm just a little confused, what is the problem with people telling you what God told them to?  I know there are false prophets out there, I know that there are preachers, teachers and apostle that lie but this is where you come in with prayer and ask God to kick up your discernment.

In Ephesians the word says that he gave some apostles, prophets, evangelists, preachers and teachers for the perfecting of God's people, for the edification of the body of Christ.  If your discernment is heightened and your ear is keened into God's voice you don't have to be concerned about false teachings, you will hear what God wants you to hear and you are allowing the vessel delivering the message to be obedient.  Stop being so selfish, you are not the only one that can hear God when He speaks and you are not the only one that can deliver His message.

Scriptures:

Ephesians 4:11-16

Proverbs

Peace and Blessings beautiful people!

Remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai

Victim, Victimizing, Victorious

Sometimes I sit back and listen to what people say and/or what they do to get what they want.  Some people, for whatever reason, live the life of a victim; nothing good every happens to them and when it does, something comes along to ruin it.  They are always sick or hurting or they have no money or other resources to get around.  It's the "woe is me" syndrome going on.  I have never understood a person who enjoys sitting in misery, always the victim...unless, they are doing it for attention.  Could that really be it, they are okay with living a miserable life because it makes them feel good to have people pay attention to them, or do things for them?  If that's really the reason then explain this to me: what happens when everyone becomes hip to your game?  What do you do when no one wants to help you in anyway because they now see that everything you do or say is for pity?

Wake up call!  People will eventually get tired of you laying in your own filth (illness, poverty, or whatever).  Even Jesus had to ask a man if he wanted to be healed.  Yes, when it comes to illness that's a difficult one to cross off the list but even in your illness there may be some things you can do for yourself to make things more bearable.  Do you know why people don't give a lot of funding to causes for sickness anymore?  They don't because they can't trust the funds are going to be used for the initial plea of help.  When my husband became ill and I set up a crowdfunding account, I made it plain to people that if they didn't want to send the funds to us directly then send it to one of the many hospitals he was in or one of the many specialists he had to see to pay on his accounts.  This way they know where the money went.  We had people purchase food for us, bring us food, send funds to pay our utilities or put gas in the car because we had to go back and forth so much.

At the same time I also wonder what joy people get out of victimizing others.  Are you so sad and depraved of heart that you only feel good when you make others hurt?  Or is it because you feel less than that they only way to make yourself okay is to intentionally bring others to your level of pain.  Your self-esteem should be higher than that and your ultimate goal should be to help people and not hurt them.  I have encountered many people in my life that seem to only find joy in making others crazy, or bring them pain of some sort.  But at the end of the day they still have to go home and face themselves in the mirror and be alone with themselves.  Even more importantly, at they end of their lives they have to face God and account for all of the dirt they have kicked up...whether they believe or not.  Pharaoh and his people suffered tremendously because he refused to soften his heart towards God's people and give them their freedom.  What did that benefit him in the end?  Absolutely nothing.

God's word says that we are more than conquerors, that we are the head and not the tail, that we are the lender and never the borrower.  His word assures us that we are victorious in Christ Jesus, all we have to do is trust Him and obey His word.  I refuse to walk around as a victim or participate in victimizing others because when it's all said and done and I have to meet Him face to face I want Him to say, with pride, well done my good and faithful servant.  

Peace and Blessings wonderful people!  Remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai Ar

Scripture:

Victim - John 5: 6

Victimization - Exodus 9

Victorious - Psalm 17: 7; 71: 20; 100: 5, 2 Cor 1: 3-4; 4: 8-9, James 1:12, Philippians 4: 6-7

Speaking From a Place of Pain

I open up my notes to see what today's topic is and it's "Speaking From a Place of Pain", when this topic was downloaded into me months ago it was supposed to be more of a general reference.  Ironically, earlier today I was given the thought of doing a quick video on my authentic self and being totally transparent about some spots in my life that are painful.  Just a moment ago I said to myself, it's time to get this blog and vlog up so go sit at that laptop and chomp it out.  

When my mother died a few years ago she died without living out her true purpose, she died without being her best self, she died believing the lies that the enemy fed her.  She was brilliant but had a hard time believing it.  Years before my mother passed I knew what my purpose was and had a difficult time excepting it.  Why?  Because it meant that I had to deal with some painful things, that although I had gradually become okay with sharing, I was still not in a fully comfortable space with it.  Shortly before her passing I knew that my time of hiatus and grace, of God, was coming to an end and I tried my best to prepare for it.  I had written the book that God allowed me to write, instead of my biography, and I had joined a collective of writers who brought out more of me and I believed, falsely of course, that I was living my unapologetic true self.

...and then she died.  That was my wake-up call because I knew that my mother had died with her purpose still inside her, she died not believing that she could be all that God had ordained her to be.  She died unfulfilled and unhappy.  Let me clarify, she loved her children and grandchildren and absolutely adored her great-grands, that she had been blessed to see come into the world well before her death.  But my mother was not happy with her current status and when she had been given her various diagnosis she was afraid of dying.  Not because death was so scary but because she wanted to live and she wanted to be here for them, her great-grandbabies.  It was my wake-up call because I didn't want that for myself.  When I die, I want everything that God had purposed me for to be fulfilled, I want to die having lived in my full potential.  I've said that before, I meant it then and I mean it now.

I have, over many years, battled with different stages of depression.  Initially, as a teenager, I had no idea what it was and I thought I was just a little sad.  But after my rape and subsequent injustice, I realized that it was depression.  But who was I going to talk to about it?  Really, who?  No one, because that's just not what we did.  We didn't talk about the things that brought us pain; the various abuses, scars, unfair treatment.  So I developed the wonderful skill of acting and went about life as if nothing bothered me.  All of the summers of studying daytime drama were paying off, but not to my benefit really.  I made plans for my life and when they didn't happen the way I had intended I just chalked it up to "life happened", planted a smile on my face and conjured up laughter in my belly and moved on.  Still not talking with anyone and holding all of that hurt and pain in I birthed children, married my first husband and birthed one more.  I went to school to study, what I thought was my calling in life.  Being the creative that I am I turned a hobby of interior design into a business, when it really should have stayed a hobby. 

During my first marriage, right before the end, I sought professional help because something just didn't feel right inside me anymore and the fake happy, that I thought I was pulling off, began to slip away.  I got the help I needed and she was great at listening but not so great at advising and when my marriage ended I lay in bed for a year in a full blown depression.  I only moved about to get my kids off to school and make sure they ate.  I'd lost a total of 50 lbs in three months, which was extremely evident when my mother gave me a pair of XL sweatpants for Christmas that could fit two of me, comfortably.  Shortly after I lost the weight I began gaining some of it back and started losing my hair.  After much prayer I got out of the bed and started walking to lose the weight the right way and began styling my hair to cover the thin spots.

One of the things that was revealed to me in the midst of my recovery was that I needed to write my life story and I began to do so, but not for the correct reasons.  I was doing it out of spite instead of healing, when I realized that I asked God to spare me that assignment and He did.  The pain was so strong that I could almost taste it, I knew if I wrote from that space it would hurt so many people in turn and that's the last thing I wanted.  So I held onto that pain and put the face on again, as if everything was okay.  I moved about as if I was healing, and then healed, but some of the life choices I made during that time clearly said otherwise.  I went back to that same counselor and she decided that what I really needed was medication but it only numbed the pain by allowing me to sleep my life away.  After a few days, I said no more of that and looked for an all natural way to heal.  I did find a natural soother and with that, along with a lot of prayer, the healing process began for real.  But there have been moments in my life where I still feel the kick of depression.

Although I have remarried, I have written a book (not the biography), my children are all grown, my grands are beautiful and healthy, I have formed my organization and have relocated; I still have not filled my life's purpose. I am still not living up to my full potential and that is disturbing my spirit.  Over the last few years I have suffered a lot of loss (family members, jobs, finances) but I don't want to live as if my life doesn't matter.  I don't want to live as if those that raised me meant absolutely nothing and that the good they poured into me had no impact.  As a matter of fact, I have become bored with living life as usual and look forward to living fully in my purpose.  My life is not over, and although I am still feeling the twinges of depression, I know there is more of  that I have to rejoice in.  My process of seeking help is active and I know that I will be well again.

We are more than conquerors through him who loved us - Romans 8:37 (read also verses 31-39)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13

With God, all things are possible - Matthew 19:26b

Put on the whole armor of God that you may stand against the enemy - Ephesians 6:11-18

Peace and Blessings AMAZING people!

Remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai Ar

Confident or Cocky

When you think of the word confidence what image is conjured up for you?  Who or what comes to mind?  Do you see yourself anywhere in those images?  There is nothing wrong with being confident, actually confidence is an attractive attribute.  Basically to be confident is to be assured of your own abilities or qualities.  You walk taller, smile broader and there is a tone of pride in your speech.  Ahhhh pride, that thing there.  That feeling of extreme pleasure with ones own achievements.  In essence there is nothing wrong with being proud of oneself but there is a threshold.  There is a VERY thin line between being confident and cocky and between feeling proud and being prideful.

We humans have this strange ability to turn something good into something distasteful in a matter of seconds and it's usually because of our initial intent behind the act of doing something.  We can turn an achievement and a reason to be proud of ourselves into something that resembles boasting or cocky behavior.  Just recently I had this experience.  I pride myself on finding simple solutions to problems and I was able to do that for a repeat problem at work and I went around telling everyone who would listen...but no one would acknowledge it or say that it was a good idea.  They would just move around as if I had said absolutely nothing to them at all; as if I were invisible.  So I sat my bruised ego down and continued to work my solution and said nothing else about it.  Then one morning my employer was looking for some documents and I pulled up my spreadsheet and voila', I was able to answer his question in a matter of a minute or two rather than an hour or two.  He was so pleased and subsequently so I was I.  But, could that pleasure have arrived weeks earlier if I had just let it be after creating the spreadsheet?  Oh, this is the part that I left out, and I think it's critical to my point here, when I initially told everyone about my solution my tone was one of irritation and dare I say arrogance.  This, I believe is what made people move around as if I had said nothing at all; my delivery.

Years ago, when I worked for a major copier company, there was this extremely attractive man that worked in the same building as I.  He was the cliche' tall, dark and handsome and he also fit his suits rather well.  Every single morning I would see this man and I would swoon on the inside.  It was a deep swoon honey, my knees practically buckled.  One afternoon I went into Starbucks and he was walking out, that was his daily stop but usually in the mornings, and the cashier had that look on her face as he walked out.  You know the look, the one that said "I would devour him if he were mine".  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, lol!  Anyway, she had the look and I chuckled at her, we began discussing the gentleman and all that we THOUGHT we knew about him but the one thing that stuck out for both of us was that no matter how FINE we thought he was he had this air of cockiness about him, not confidence but cocky.  Fast forward a year or so later and the very same accusation is placed on me and it was true!  I walked around as if my poop don't stink and as if I were too good to speak to or with.

The bible speaks of those prideful behaviors and how it will cause your downfall and oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Be mindful of how you carry yourself, of how you present yourself to others.  Be confident in your abilities and your assignment in life but leave the prideful behavior and cockiness behind.  It will serve you well to do so.

Verses on humbleness

2 Timothy 1:7

Proverbs 3:26

Hebrews 4:16; 10: 35-36

Verses on Prideful behavior

James 4:6, 10

Jeremiah 9:23

Philippians 2:3

Isaiah 2:12

Proverbs 16: 18-19

Peace and Blessings beautiful people!

Remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai