Absent Fathers

Initially I wasn't sure I wanted to write on this topic because it hits very close to home, as close as in my home and I didn't want to offend those that are close to me.  However, I realized that just because I can relate to the topic doesn't mean I can't share my opinion overall of the topic, especially since I know that I am not the only that has had to deal with this first hand.

I did not grow up with my father in the home, neither did my children and unfortunately, neither are my grandchildren...thus far.  This happened for various reasons and the impact it had on my life, my children's lives and my grandchildren's lives is immense.  So when I look around at all of the lost children and even some children in adult bodies, I can clearly hear and see the crying out for Daddy and his attention.  My father, as I said, was not in my home while I was growing up simply because he and my mother were teenagers when I was born and still living with their parents at the time.  Additionally, he wasn't a huge fixture in my life as I got older.  He was around, I knew who he was and we spent time together occasionally but he was never a constant image at the forefront of my life.  As for child support, I don't think that was ever an option and if it was I certainly knew nothing of it.  I will say my mother taught me a huge lesson when it came to my father...she never said a derogatory word about him to me or around me.  She really allowed me to see for myself who he really is.  I tried to do the same for my children.

My children's fathers, yes that is plural, were not around for long.  My oldest child's father wasn't someone that I had ever planned to be connected to for any real length of time and after I found out I was pregnant I really didn't want him around.  With that said however, I only denied him once, the ability to spend time with his son.  The rest of the time it was on him and his lack of...whatever.  With my younger two children, I was with their dad for twelve years, 6 of them married and after the divorce he spent time for a while with them but then it dwindled off slowly but surely and their connection to him became weaker and weaker to the point where they didn't speak for quite some time.  They have only just recently been in contact with him on a more "regular" basis.

All of my children are missing a huge part of their identity, I believe, because they don't have a constant connection with their biological fathers.  Their fathers were not able to download into them the knowledge and information required to grow up and be a responsible, God fearing man.  They don't have the solid foundation that every child needs to move forward in life.  I have always said that I can teach my children how to be respectful, resourceful in the house and well mannered but I cannot teach them to be men.  They did have father figures around them, like my grandfather, but there is nothing like having daddy to turn to, confide in, or just hang with.

In paying attention to children, not just mine, I have noticed that there is a huge hole in their lives when they don't have daddy.  They feel as if they were never good enough or ask themselves what they did to make him leave.  They do all sorts of things to get attention, and it doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative, they just want it.  It's almost as if they are moving about this earth as only half a person, longing to find the thing that will make them feel whole but they are looking in all of the wrong places.  So I pray for them, all of them, that they may find peace in who they are as they are and come to terms with life whether daddy is there or not.

I went through the very same thing and began looking for it in books and my imagination, then men and sex and then finally God and that was the only thing that made me alright with me.  I still did some really stupid stuff and said some really bad things but when I finally got to a place where I was alright with me because I knew and understood finally who my Father really is, life became easier to live.

As for the unpaid child support, I pray that every non-custodial parent get an understanding that those funds are the same funds that you would spend on that child if you were in the household.  Those funds, or at least are supposed to, go towards the child's food, shelter, clothing and any extracurricular activities.  Please stop behaving as if you are doing the custodial parent a favor by paying child support.  If that parent, that is with that child on a daily basis is about doing the right thing, then you don't have to question where the funds are going.  If that custodial parent is living paycheck to paycheck you have no idea how much the child support check is assisting.  My children only had one extracurricular activity during the school year and then one in the summer, they could not pursue multiple interest because there were times when it literally came down to food or fun.  My children didn't take extra trips or go to a lot of parties because the funds weren't there.  Right now today I am owed large sums of back support from both fathers and I honestly don't expect to ever see it.  Most custodial parents are not using those funds to buy the latest in fashion or accessories, most of us are just trying to make sure our children are well provided for.

In all of this, know that our Abba Father is our true covering, protection, comforter, provider and healer and if we ever feel lost, or abandoned we can always turn to Him.

Psalm 103:13; *127: 3-5

Proverbs 3:11-12; 22:6

*Eph 6:1-4

Peace and Blessings beautiful people and remember to walk in Your purpose!

Jai Ar

No deadbeats

I have said this before in another social media outlet; if he is not dead, incarcerated or abusive there is no excuse for a father not to play a role in his child's life.  If the father can't do much to contribute financially he can certainly spend time with the child or children, as a matter of fact that's usually what the child wants most anyway.

My mother raised me for the most part in her own, i had three sons and raised them for the most part on my own, i know what it felt like not to have my father around and i hated to see the hearts of my son's break when they realized that their father was not who they thought he was.  It pains me when i see more babies coming into the world and their fathers are not active in their lives.  Women say i am not the first and i won't be the last to raise a baby by myself but my question is; is that an acceptable answer?  The answer is no.  Of course you can not make a person do anything they don't have the mind or will to do but that child is going to eventually ask questions about their father and his family.  Beyond that the mother needs to know that father's, and his family's, medical history because what if this family has a history of mental defect or cancer or skin conditions or allergies or addictions.  I know that sounds like a lot but trust me these are all very important things to know and one of the reasons it used to be mandatory to do a blood test before you got married.

While raising my sons i made sure to have conversations with them regarding how they felt about their dads and the lack of their presence, in those conversations one of the things i would say is now you know how not to do it.  I did that because the conversation was never had with me, my father's absence was never discussed with me and i wanted to be different, i wanted them to know that their feelings, thoughts and opinions did matter.  Ultimately i did not want to raise deadbeat dads, no deadbeats.  One of the other things i did not do is speak bad about their fathers to them or around them, my mother didn't do it when it came to my father and i wasn't going to do it to theirs.  I wanted them to form their own opinions and learn from the example put in front of them.  I refused to raise deadbeats, no deadbeats.

Currently only my oldest has a child and he is very active in his son's life because he wanted to make sure his child did not have the same experience he had.  He is with his son every day and he refuses to let his son's mother deter him from doing his part, his child is his top priority... No deadbeats.

It hurts my soul to see babies without active fathers because that is yet another generation dealing with issues that it shouldn't have to deal with all because the adults in its life couldn't get it together.  No deadbeats.

Fathers stand up and raise your children!  Mothers let that father do his job!

NO DEADBEATS!

Peace and blessings wonderful people,
Jai ar