I open up my notes to see what today's topic is and it's "Speaking From a Place of Pain", when this topic was downloaded into me months ago it was supposed to be more of a general reference. Ironically, earlier today I was given the thought of doing a quick video on my authentic self and being totally transparent about some spots in my life that are painful. Just a moment ago I said to myself, it's time to get this blog and vlog up so go sit at that laptop and chomp it out.
When my mother died a few years ago she died without living out her true purpose, she died without being her best self, she died believing the lies that the enemy fed her. She was brilliant but had a hard time believing it. Years before my mother passed I knew what my purpose was and had a difficult time excepting it. Why? Because it meant that I had to deal with some painful things, that although I had gradually become okay with sharing, I was still not in a fully comfortable space with it. Shortly before her passing I knew that my time of hiatus and grace, of God, was coming to an end and I tried my best to prepare for it. I had written the book that God allowed me to write, instead of my biography, and I had joined a collective of writers who brought out more of me and I believed, falsely of course, that I was living my unapologetic true self.
...and then she died. That was my wake-up call because I knew that my mother had died with her purpose still inside her, she died not believing that she could be all that God had ordained her to be. She died unfulfilled and unhappy. Let me clarify, she loved her children and grandchildren and absolutely adored her great-grands, that she had been blessed to see come into the world well before her death. But my mother was not happy with her current status and when she had been given her various diagnosis she was afraid of dying. Not because death was so scary but because she wanted to live and she wanted to be here for them, her great-grandbabies. It was my wake-up call because I didn't want that for myself. When I die, I want everything that God had purposed me for to be fulfilled, I want to die having lived in my full potential. I've said that before, I meant it then and I mean it now.
I have, over many years, battled with different stages of depression. Initially, as a teenager, I had no idea what it was and I thought I was just a little sad. But after my rape and subsequent injustice, I realized that it was depression. But who was I going to talk to about it? Really, who? No one, because that's just not what we did. We didn't talk about the things that brought us pain; the various abuses, scars, unfair treatment. So I developed the wonderful skill of acting and went about life as if nothing bothered me. All of the summers of studying daytime drama were paying off, but not to my benefit really. I made plans for my life and when they didn't happen the way I had intended I just chalked it up to "life happened", planted a smile on my face and conjured up laughter in my belly and moved on. Still not talking with anyone and holding all of that hurt and pain in I birthed children, married my first husband and birthed one more. I went to school to study, what I thought was my calling in life. Being the creative that I am I turned a hobby of interior design into a business, when it really should have stayed a hobby.
During my first marriage, right before the end, I sought professional help because something just didn't feel right inside me anymore and the fake happy, that I thought I was pulling off, began to slip away. I got the help I needed and she was great at listening but not so great at advising and when my marriage ended I lay in bed for a year in a full blown depression. I only moved about to get my kids off to school and make sure they ate. I'd lost a total of 50 lbs in three months, which was extremely evident when my mother gave me a pair of XL sweatpants for Christmas that could fit two of me, comfortably. Shortly after I lost the weight I began gaining some of it back and started losing my hair. After much prayer I got out of the bed and started walking to lose the weight the right way and began styling my hair to cover the thin spots.
One of the things that was revealed to me in the midst of my recovery was that I needed to write my life story and I began to do so, but not for the correct reasons. I was doing it out of spite instead of healing, when I realized that I asked God to spare me that assignment and He did. The pain was so strong that I could almost taste it, I knew if I wrote from that space it would hurt so many people in turn and that's the last thing I wanted. So I held onto that pain and put the face on again, as if everything was okay. I moved about as if I was healing, and then healed, but some of the life choices I made during that time clearly said otherwise. I went back to that same counselor and she decided that what I really needed was medication but it only numbed the pain by allowing me to sleep my life away. After a few days, I said no more of that and looked for an all natural way to heal. I did find a natural soother and with that, along with a lot of prayer, the healing process began for real. But there have been moments in my life where I still feel the kick of depression.
Although I have remarried, I have written a book (not the biography), my children are all grown, my grands are beautiful and healthy, I have formed my organization and have relocated; I still have not filled my life's purpose. I am still not living up to my full potential and that is disturbing my spirit. Over the last few years I have suffered a lot of loss (family members, jobs, finances) but I don't want to live as if my life doesn't matter. I don't want to live as if those that raised me meant absolutely nothing and that the good they poured into me had no impact. As a matter of fact, I have become bored with living life as usual and look forward to living fully in my purpose. My life is not over, and although I am still feeling the twinges of depression, I know there is more of that I have to rejoice in. My process of seeking help is active and I know that I will be well again.
We are more than conquerors through him who loved us - Romans 8:37 (read also verses 31-39)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13
With God, all things are possible - Matthew 19:26b
Put on the whole armor of God that you may stand against the enemy - Ephesians 6:11-18
Peace and Blessings AMAZING people!
Remember to walk in Your purpose!
Jai Ar
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