Thursday, October 21, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
20 Years
i have learned several things about myself over the last 20yrs, especially when dealing with relationships. after being with the same man for 12 years and in and out of several relationships since then i've learned that my tolerance level has changed tremendously. i am no longer capable of spending too much time on what i consider to be unnecessary bullcrap.
after dating someone for 6yrs and then being married to them for an additional 6yrs and realizing that outside of my children and the lessons i was learning there were more cons than pros to that relationship and while i try not to compare each new relationship to that one i find it hard not to when i begin seeing similar, if not the same, behavior. i believe in following, or at least listening, to my gut instincts. if my gut tells me that several of the things you have said to me come across as less than honest then my antennas are raised and i am now paying closer attention to your words AND actions. while i may not say something right away believe me i'm taking notes.
i've also learned that being as honest as i possible can helps to keep down the mess and drama. i dated one man recently for 1 1/2yrs when i should have been out of that within 6months because all of the signs were there. i knew in my gut he was not my future but i was, to a degree, enjoying this new adventure i was on. but early in the relationship i found out that i was not the only woman he was dating and not only was there one other woman but at least two. before this was confirmed for me i had a gut feeling that it was happening just because of some of the lame excuses he gave me for not spending time, "i'm going to vegas this weekend so i won't be able to spend time with you" or "no, we can't go out this weekend because i think i have something going on", after about the third or fourth lie i just said "babe, if you don't have time for me or want to spend time with me then please just tell me. i'm a big girl and would rather you be honest than to lie about it". he was a bit dumbfounded by it and didn't initially believe me so he proceeded to tell at least one more lie. by this time i had confirmed that i wasn't the only one and asked him about it and he lied at first but when i told him it was ok to tell the truth because i wasn't like every other woman he had encountered and he saw that i wasn't, he did tell me the truth.
even with knowing this already it did still hurt a bit to hear it but i was a big girl and dealt with it. i thanked him for being honest finally and told him that they helped me put things in a better light and i knew what i had to do. had i decided to stay in the dark about it and not confront the obvious that year and a half relationship could have easily turned into 12 years of the same old same old but because i was less tolerant of the bull and still lived my life instead of wrapping up in his it was easier for me to say this is what i want and he can't provide it so i must move on.
i am confident that i am a good woman, not a perfect one because that doesn't exist, but definately a good on and most of the time when i'm fed up with the bull in a relationship and decide to move on the man says he's cool in the beginning but somehow he later realizes that i was not as bad as he thought, as a matter of fact i was actually one of the best he's ever had, he inevitably calls me and either apologizes for his behavior or makes it known that he wants me back. it doesn't make me feel powerful to hear that but it does make it easier for me to deal with the decision i've made to end that relationship because now i know that he finally realizes what i was trying to show him all along, that i am not every other woman he has dealt with in his past.
i am not bitter about that 12yr relationship and i don't consider it a waste of time at all because the lessons i learned while in it have made me make better decisions in the past 8yrs since it ended and that makes me a better person all around.
peace and blessings,
jai
after dating someone for 6yrs and then being married to them for an additional 6yrs and realizing that outside of my children and the lessons i was learning there were more cons than pros to that relationship and while i try not to compare each new relationship to that one i find it hard not to when i begin seeing similar, if not the same, behavior. i believe in following, or at least listening, to my gut instincts. if my gut tells me that several of the things you have said to me come across as less than honest then my antennas are raised and i am now paying closer attention to your words AND actions. while i may not say something right away believe me i'm taking notes.
i've also learned that being as honest as i possible can helps to keep down the mess and drama. i dated one man recently for 1 1/2yrs when i should have been out of that within 6months because all of the signs were there. i knew in my gut he was not my future but i was, to a degree, enjoying this new adventure i was on. but early in the relationship i found out that i was not the only woman he was dating and not only was there one other woman but at least two. before this was confirmed for me i had a gut feeling that it was happening just because of some of the lame excuses he gave me for not spending time, "i'm going to vegas this weekend so i won't be able to spend time with you" or "no, we can't go out this weekend because i think i have something going on", after about the third or fourth lie i just said "babe, if you don't have time for me or want to spend time with me then please just tell me. i'm a big girl and would rather you be honest than to lie about it". he was a bit dumbfounded by it and didn't initially believe me so he proceeded to tell at least one more lie. by this time i had confirmed that i wasn't the only one and asked him about it and he lied at first but when i told him it was ok to tell the truth because i wasn't like every other woman he had encountered and he saw that i wasn't, he did tell me the truth.
even with knowing this already it did still hurt a bit to hear it but i was a big girl and dealt with it. i thanked him for being honest finally and told him that they helped me put things in a better light and i knew what i had to do. had i decided to stay in the dark about it and not confront the obvious that year and a half relationship could have easily turned into 12 years of the same old same old but because i was less tolerant of the bull and still lived my life instead of wrapping up in his it was easier for me to say this is what i want and he can't provide it so i must move on.
i am confident that i am a good woman, not a perfect one because that doesn't exist, but definately a good on and most of the time when i'm fed up with the bull in a relationship and decide to move on the man says he's cool in the beginning but somehow he later realizes that i was not as bad as he thought, as a matter of fact i was actually one of the best he's ever had, he inevitably calls me and either apologizes for his behavior or makes it known that he wants me back. it doesn't make me feel powerful to hear that but it does make it easier for me to deal with the decision i've made to end that relationship because now i know that he finally realizes what i was trying to show him all along, that i am not every other woman he has dealt with in his past.
i am not bitter about that 12yr relationship and i don't consider it a waste of time at all because the lessons i learned while in it have made me make better decisions in the past 8yrs since it ended and that makes me a better person all around.
peace and blessings,
jai
Sunday, August 1, 2010
toy party review
ok, so about a week ago i went to a co-ed adult toy party and it was a very interesting, eyeopening and fun experience. we laughed, drank, played games and had a good time.
it was great to see a couple of the men that were there really get into it and have fun, they were not closed to the idea of using sexual aides in the bedroom. there was however one man that felt if he wasn't enough then too bad for his wife. so sad, poor woman and man for that matter because he has no idea what he may be missing out on if his wife really enjoyed the new adventure they could embark on.
there was, however, on fly in the oinment...there were a few of us having a really good conversation on sex in general, kama sutra, oral sex and the overall pleasuring of your partner. i did not volunteer any information but there was this one guy that asked several questions and i answered them, he even went as far as saying that my female friend and i looked like we were both freaks but we weren't overt about it. i answered yes but that was between myself and my partner and my level of freakiness depended upon how much i trusted him. so we have this conversation, it's over and as far as i was concerned that was that. i'm having another conversation with another male and while we are talking the first guy is talking to his girlfriend and i can sense the tension between them. i'm hoping this dude isn't saying anything foul or off the wall to his girl.
i continue talking with the other guy, he's telling me about his marital issues and such but i'm still drawn to the tense energy from the couple and hoping that he isn't suggesting that i be a part of a triangle or something (it's been offered before). so i finish the conversation with the one guy and finally the party is over.
so the next morning i get a message from the girlfriend of the guy asking questions, who happens to be a good sistafriend of mine. she wanted to know what it was that we talked about because he was talking crazy that night and told her that i wanted to have sex with him. so i told her the truth; we had a conversation, it was geared towards sex because we were at an adult toy party but that i never made a pass at him, never told him i wanted to sleep with him in any way and nothing i said should have given him that idea. she thanked me for being honest and asked me to let her know if he said anything more to me and i told her i would.
wouldn't you know it two days later that man sent me an apology for his behavior the night before. i accepted the apology and told him that i wasn't a messy kind of woman and that his girlfriend, my friend was a good friend and i wasn't going to mess that up because of him and told him to have a good life. i let my friend know he sent the email and she thanked me. can you believe this dude sent me a friend request on fb!? i didn't tell her and i ignored his request.
good grief!
it was great to see a couple of the men that were there really get into it and have fun, they were not closed to the idea of using sexual aides in the bedroom. there was however one man that felt if he wasn't enough then too bad for his wife. so sad, poor woman and man for that matter because he has no idea what he may be missing out on if his wife really enjoyed the new adventure they could embark on.
there was, however, on fly in the oinment...there were a few of us having a really good conversation on sex in general, kama sutra, oral sex and the overall pleasuring of your partner. i did not volunteer any information but there was this one guy that asked several questions and i answered them, he even went as far as saying that my female friend and i looked like we were both freaks but we weren't overt about it. i answered yes but that was between myself and my partner and my level of freakiness depended upon how much i trusted him. so we have this conversation, it's over and as far as i was concerned that was that. i'm having another conversation with another male and while we are talking the first guy is talking to his girlfriend and i can sense the tension between them. i'm hoping this dude isn't saying anything foul or off the wall to his girl.
i continue talking with the other guy, he's telling me about his marital issues and such but i'm still drawn to the tense energy from the couple and hoping that he isn't suggesting that i be a part of a triangle or something (it's been offered before). so i finish the conversation with the one guy and finally the party is over.
so the next morning i get a message from the girlfriend of the guy asking questions, who happens to be a good sistafriend of mine. she wanted to know what it was that we talked about because he was talking crazy that night and told her that i wanted to have sex with him. so i told her the truth; we had a conversation, it was geared towards sex because we were at an adult toy party but that i never made a pass at him, never told him i wanted to sleep with him in any way and nothing i said should have given him that idea. she thanked me for being honest and asked me to let her know if he said anything more to me and i told her i would.
wouldn't you know it two days later that man sent me an apology for his behavior the night before. i accepted the apology and told him that i wasn't a messy kind of woman and that his girlfriend, my friend was a good friend and i wasn't going to mess that up because of him and told him to have a good life. i let my friend know he sent the email and she thanked me. can you believe this dude sent me a friend request on fb!? i didn't tell her and i ignored his request.
good grief!
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