Selective Ignorance

Yesterday in my neighborhood my sons and i heard a lot of sirens, just over and over again, they seemed to never stop.  My youngest son asked me where were they going and i told him i had no idea, because i didn't.  We left maybe an hour later to go to do the laundry and there were still several sirens being heard and we had to pull over a couple of times so the police cars could get by us.  On the way to church this morning we were driving along and my son and i were talking about how people were raised and how that affects who they are today and how in some cases they allow themselves to live a "victim" life when i noticed a group of young men clustered in one section with a small boy and i thought to myself "it's too early to be hanging and why do they have that child with them" but as i got closer to them i could see they were putting up a memorial and then i said "Lord cover them"

After church i go onto my fb page and one of the first things i see in my news feed is that a young man had been killed by the police while allegedly in handcuffs.  Supposedly there was an attempted armed robbery of a truck driver by five young men and those men led the police on a car chase and then all bailed from the car and ran and this young man was caught but he resisted, the police, according to eyewitnesses, handcuffed him but one officer still felt threatened and proceeded to shoot the young man twice.  That young man left behind several family members including a newborn son and girlfriend.

I don't watch the news if i can help it but that gets hard sometimes because my husband does watch it.  But i don't watch it because i want to remain in selective ignorance.  It's not that i don't want to believe what's going on or that i don't believe in bad things happening, especially to good people or that i want to live in my own version of lala land or that i grew up in a world sheltered from the bad so i can't face it now.  On the contrary, i know that negativity, that bad things happen.  i grew up in the middle of bad things, it covered me like a warm winter coat, it walked down the street with me every day and when i tried to ignore it it got right in my face on several occasions to taunt me and try to make me believe there was no other way in life.  There were times when i believed it, many times when significantly bad/negative things happened and when i finally finish my book they will all be written down.

I choose selective ignorance because i get tired of hearing about our young black men killing others and subsequently themselves, i get tired of hearing about people going on, what appear to be random rampages and shooting up or stabbing, killing and harming people in general.  I get tired of hearing about the blatant disrespect for life and the outright racism, of the genocide, of the self hate.  I get tired of hearing about how bad the economy is at that our current president isn't helping the situation because his solutions are costing Americans so  much money and is causing small businesses to go out of business and how he wants the wealthy to pay more taxes and what a hardship that would be for them.  I get tired of hearing about men and women abusing and abandoning their children or women allowing men to abuse their children whether out of fear or out of pride of having a man no matter how bad he is for her and her children's lives.

Young men are killing other young men, especially in the black community, because they don't know true love from their own fathers.  Whether it be because their fathers were never there, or they were but did not display the positive example that their child needed to see or because they were there and according to how they were raised you didn't show emotions or outward examples of love as a man or if it was because that mother refused to let that man near his children or if because of pride they felt if they could not provide for their child financially they should not spend time with that child physically.

Men, if that mother is not letting you spend time with that child(ren) ask yourself why and be honest with yourself.  If you did something to damage that mother and or that child, either mentally or physically then you should not see that child without supervision and only after extensive counseling maybe to deal with what made you do the things you did.  If you promised her the world and all in it and did not deliver, whether on purpose to get in her panties or unintentionally because you weren't being realistic about your future together, then apologize, mend that fence.  Or is it that she is just being spiteful because you are no longer together but she believed you to be a good man and knows that taking your children from you would hurt you to the core?  Whatever the reason, before you call her a dirty rat stank bitch whore, remember, you laid with her by your own volition knowing there was a chance that a new life would be created.

Women, why are you not letting him see his children?  Is it because he was abusive?  Did you not see signs of that before hand or did he surprise you one day with a slap, kick, punch or call you out your name?  If that's the case, why did you stay?  Did you believe that you loved him enough that he would change or because he apologized and said he'd never do it again, only to do it again the next month?  Was it because you didn't believe you deserved better or was it just to say you had a man, no matter how bad of one he is?  Was it a one or two night stand or completely physical relationship and either you got caught off guard or you caught feelings and you either don't know who he really is or where he is or you thought having a baby would change how he felt about you and make you more than a booty call?  Is it because he has no money and can not provide financially, but didn't you know that before you laid with him?  Or is it because he is a good man but you treated him like crap and he got fed up and left you for someone who appreciates him and you know keeping his child from him will hurt him?  Wait, before you call him a low down  dirty whoring dog, didn't you know that when you lay with him there was a chance a life would be created? 

My brothers and sisters did you not pay attention in health class, did you not read the condom package? 

Despite all of that confusion, lack of knowledge or spitefulness the children suffer in the end and and become these beings that we have before us now that have no fear or respect of authority and surely no respect for life.  When you raise your child in a gang, drug and money hungry life and show them that there is no other way out or way to live you are igniting the fire of ignorance.  Men when you sit in front of tv all day and do nothing or sell drugs on the corner or out of your house and your sons and daughters see you with weapons they don't hear you telling them to stay in school and get an education because your actions are speaking louder.  Women when you bring man after man after man around your children and these men have the freedom to go and come/cum as they please without the semblance of caring for you or them you are not showing them how to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships.  When you dress like a street walker in clothing that is too tight, too short, too revealing you can not be mad at your daughter for wanting to wear the short, see thru dress that barely covers the black of her behind and you can't be mad at your son if that's all he brings home or feels it's ok to cuss you out when you tell him to take out the garbage or get the girl out of his bedroom.

I don't watch the news because i choose to be ignorant, i get tired of hearing about the killing, muggings, abuse, drunk driving accidents and/or deaths.  I choose to be selectively ignorant because the reality of what we are doing to others and subsequently to ourselves is ugly, hurtful, almost unbearable and unfathomable in the mind of someone who chooses to believe that there is some good in everyone it just has to be cultivated.  My pastor said something in service today, paraphrasing: don't keep saying that they need to put prayer back in the schools because why would you want the government  dictating what prayer your child says and what god are they praying to...your child should be praying anyway because of what you've taught them.  Or is it that the parents don't know to pray?

I pray that all of our hearts are touched to a point where we crave the need to nurture and encourage others young and old.  That we desire to see better in ourselves and others around us, that we love all that we encounter and push them to be better people, that we demonstrate love not just speak it.

Peace and blessings beautifully, wonderfully made people!

Note conflict my soul cries out loudly to you

Excited

So much has happened in the last few weeks, it's been amazing! right before my last posting i'd had 4 telephone interviews and one face to face with a second one scheduled and all went very well. I wanted all of them because i felt that i was qualified and capable for all of them and to do them all but the one i truly wanted that i just knew with every part of me was mine is the one i got!  i have cried tears of joy and thanked my Creator so much for this!

Back story; five years ago I was working for a major office equipment company and the only way i could move up or forward was to change my whole field of interest and that's not something i was really interested in doing so i started the job search and found a position with a major tourist spot and that gave me a boost in pay and a less stressful environment.  I really enjoyed what i did and who i worked for, shortly after starting i got my first raise and i was excited by that and looked forward to being able to do some things that i needed to do for my family and myself...and then.  The company started talking about how poor it was and how they had to cut back on spending so they did two things; one was they offered early retirements and second, they enforced 16 mandatory no pay days for two years and then another series of layoffs and early retirements.  During the midst of this one of my supervisors quit and i applied for the position and got the promotion, however, they cut the salary by $10,000 so while it was an increase in salary it wasn't what it should have been.  But i still rejoiced and was grateful and knew that something would change for the better.  Well a year into it the management company decided to hand over the reins to another company that immediately spoke on cutting more staff, especially in my area so i started the search again and got nothing back.  Another department started hiring so I told my oldest child and he was hired on part time.  Shortly after that i began getting responses back from job inquiries, nothing major but at least they acknowledged that they had received my resume, whereas before i wasn't even getting that.

Now also during this five years the man God intended for me came into my life and i remarried, we moved shortly after the wedding and it became a very costly lesson learned because we put $18,000 into a large condo that we renting and then later found out that we were basically being shafted by unsavory people.  So when the lease was up we moved into a much smaller apt in a less than favorable neighborhood so that we could save money to eventually buy our own home.  A month into the new place i started getting calls to set up interviews and i accepted the job offer for the job i really wanted and the salary is so amazing because it is practically $20,000 more than what i make now and has comparable benefits.  This allows my and my family to focus on doing the things we've wanted to do for our church and our family as a whole and i can look at going back to school to finish my degree.

Through all of this, the financial struggles and blessings i remained faithful in my belief that there was a purpose for it all and it would all pay off in the end.  I guess my point is that you should never give up, know that you are worthy of more and isn't because you are such a wonderful person that deserves only good to happen but because you believed that there was a higher power in control that would reward you for your faithfulness during the struggles.

Keep the faith good people, peace and blessings!

Household chores

So my teenagers have chores that switch up daily and they are fairly simple; clean your room, the kitchen, bathroom, living room and walk your dog.  Simple right? So why is it so difficult for them to do?  When i was younger, much younger, i had to do so much more than they have to.  My mother worked a lot and left most of the chores and care for my little brother to me.  I hated chores with a passion but someone had to do it and there was really no one else.  When my mother got married the first time we moved in with the step-family and we had to clean that apt everyday and it was harder than cleaning my own. 

Before the marriage we had a two bedroom, one bath apt in the projects and because i hated doing chores and i knew if i didn't do it well i would have to do it all over again on top of getting a whooping, i cleaned everyday and did my best not to make a big mess so there wasn't much to clean.  After the wedding it was a four bedroom, one bath apt with a large living room, a sitting room and the kitchen and it had, at any given time, seven to ten people living there along with a cat and/or dog or two and no one that wanted to clean.  So the kids had to get up every weekend and clean that house from one end to the other.  At one point we had someone there that wanted us to clean to military standards, how easy could that have been for kids who had no concept of the military outside.

In both homes, if we didn't clean properly the first time we had to clean all over again and if any one of us had the sole assignment of cleaning the kitchen and it wasn't done properly we have to wash every dish in the house.

Anyway back to my teenagers, so they have these simple chores and they just refuse to do them correctly, especially the youngest.  So what are they doing right now?  Washing every dish in the house and cleaning the kitchen  from top to bottom while i sit here watching them.  One is being sarcastic and the other is depressed, kinda sad and funny all at the same time.  Oh, forgot to mention that like typical teenage siblings they don't really get along with each other very well, usually.  Again, sad and funny at the same time.

Peace and blessings good people!

chaos

i've been dealing with a lot of chaos in my life lately and once upon a time when i worked for a life coach, she informed me that usually when chaotic event after chaotic event enters your life it usually means that you are off-center, off-balance and need to refocus your energy on more positive activities, thoughts and prayers.

last week, on my husband's birthday, so many chaotic things happened; 1, we got into a huge argument about a male friend of mine. 2, our car broke down. 3. we couldn't get a rental. 4. to get the car towed and repaired over the holiday cost us all of our money in the bank. 5. this has put our account into major overdraft because we mailed out checks to pay bills.  6. husband and i argue again about that male friend. 7. the morning of my son's ribbon pinning ceremony i get into a car accident, where 8. i go to the e.r. and accumulate a $200 bill for the copay and we also now have a $500 deductible to pay for whatever car repairs will have to be made.

my conclusion; i have not prayed and meditated the way i did prior to my marriage so my goal is to carve out that time i need every day to do just that.  my husband is high maintenance emotionally so i have to learn how to balance his desires with my own piece/peace of mind and calmness.

for all who feel that their world is turning upside down, filled with chaos and frenzied activity in a bad way needs to stop and take the time to just breath, pray and meditate.  if you are not one that believes in a higher power of any kind, i believe in God/Jesus, but if you don't then at least find that one positive thing that relaxes your mind and focus on it for at least 15 minutes every day and this will get you back on track over time.  also over time once you get good at meditating you'll learn how to take shorter meditation breaks that provide that quick rejuvenation.  remember, don't let anyone or anything know you off your pedestal of peace.  no one should have that much control and influence in your life that they keep you from finding balance, take back the control over your life.

peace and blessings!

Crazy ride

Yesterday was my husband's birthday and i wished him a very happy birthday and told him to saddle up for a wild and crazy day, well i spoke that thing into existence because that's exactly what it was.  We started the day out fine, loving each other and being happy and i decided it was time for me to start getting ready for church.  While i'm getting ready all hell was breaking loose and the next thing i know we are having a major disagreement, keep in mind this is his birthday and i had some big things planned for him that day.  So we have this disagreement and in the midst of it he says he doesn't want to do the things i planned, i said ok fine and began getting my things together. 

We go to church, service is good and i fess up to my being wrong and apologize for it, i thought everything was fine.  We leave church and head to the restaurant he wants to eat at and on the way there i almost hit someone who jumps out in front of me and somehow the shock on the driver side breaks...wtfoolishness!  We make it to our destination and call a tow truck, he calls a family member and we get the car towed to a repair shop but we still need a car.  We drive all around trying to get a rental and can't get one because neither of us has a major credit card, that's a story for another time.  We then drive to another relative's home and sit there for a bit when his aunt comes in and says we can use her car, hallelujah!  We leave there and get to the hotel, one of the things i had planned.  We check in and change clothes so we can go to the play he wanted to see.  After we laughed our heads off, by the way Madea Gets a Job is super funny, we leave the theater and go get something to eat and go back to the hotel to relax.

It cost us all of the money we had to get the car towed and repaired so we are officially broke and i have to call both my landlord and insurance company and explain why both the rent and insurance is going to be late, ugh.

I had no idea that yesterday was going to be so adventurous and i'm glad it's over and we survived it.

The reason for our big blow out is a topic for another discussion but it involves jealousy, insecurity, mistrust and the feeling of betrayal.

Peace and blessings good people!

Jai Ar

Birthday shopping

Sitting here wondering what this day is going to bring.  Today is my youngest son's birthday and i want it to be a great day for him and i will do all i can to make that happen.  Took him to the mall yesterday so he could pick out his own gift, tried to buy him shoes because he needs some decent sneakers, he said no.  Tried to buy him clothes because he could use a new casual outfit, he said no.  So we're walking through the mall and my husband has bought himself a new shirt and hat for his birthday next week, tried to get me to buy for myself and i said no, it's not about us it's about the soon to be 14yr old.  Finally we walk by a watch kiosk and this is what my son decides he wants, a blue, rubberized watch, thank goodness because i thought this was going to be a long process.  I did get myself something before we left, we put my upgraded wedding ring set on hold, woohoo!  My husband had been trying to do that since we got married and i kept saying no, not yet, but now we've done it and i'm excited.

Peace and blessings good people!